Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
