I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
