YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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