Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
