so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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