Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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