hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
