I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
