Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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