You made me cry and you don't even care
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
