i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
