i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
