I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
there is puke in my bra ... again
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
