I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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