I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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