Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
