If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
