She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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