This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
