Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
