went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Someone signed my nipple.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
