What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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