I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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