So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you will always have a special place in my vag
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My bed smells like the plague
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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