You really coming over, don't trick.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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