Whoa Z and x make the same sound
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
