I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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