4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize