Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
