What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
