Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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