Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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