He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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