Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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