I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
