I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
