my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My cat gives me a boner
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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