i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
