I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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