Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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