If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
