2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
