dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
