I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm bleeding and have questions
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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