two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
