I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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