you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
