My hand turned me down
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize