So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
