omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
