There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
