I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
