I think I am morally bankrupt
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
