im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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