My Higher Power is John Stamos
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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