I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
