My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
