The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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