His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
His hands were made for my vagina.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
